Positive Power: Kicking and Dreaming

My sweet Ladyfriend always says I am the most powerful person she knows.  In some ways I do believe her, yet lately it feels incredibly abstract. Like I am a person that has been powerful in the past but not so much the present.

I have felt invincible at times in the past.  Specifically, when I was rowing in college and both times I was did an Ironman.   Since then….not so much.  A sense of anxiety-ridden flailing about.  Doing things just because it felt like the only option.  Waiting and hoping for something different.  Shooting down options out of a sense of powerlessness and, likely, fear.

If I were being truthful I would probably admit to feeling like a bit of a victim of circumstances.  That feels pretty gross to admit that I felt that way.  Because, really?  Could my angst be any more entitled?  I mean seriously? Agh. Acting victim-y feels disgusting.

The past few months I have been off work healing from wrist surgery and back injury, both of which have brought up a lot of vulnerability for me.  I am not good at relying on others or being limited in my activities.  In fact, I’m downright resistant.  I despise asking for help or admitting I can’t do something.  Needless to say, I have not been a barrel of laughs the past few months. Think: less fun and more whirling dervish of anxiety and all things pissy.

Meanwhile, when it comes to the Babylady, the Ladyfriend and I have a “Positive Power” mantra.  We are pretty careful about the rhetoric we use with her and are careful to avoid things that are labeling and/or potentially shaming.  So, if she whining for something or dissolving into 3-year-old tears about some random thing, we ask her to find her positive power.   Sometimes we have to go look for it. Her answers are pretty amusing, such as “My positive power went on a trip. It went down the drain (or to the park or downstairs or to the chickens).” The point is, it shifts things. It is a gentle way to stop the whining without labeling, shaming or berating.  And honestly, the world needs more girls to kick ass and be confident. Girls that aren’t afraid to ask for what they want and powerfully say how they feel.  So, at 3, she already gets it.  She has found her voice. She has found her power. And she turns that whine into “I’m frustrated! I want more pretzels please!”  Or “I’m sad. I’m angry. I miss Mimi! Call her please!” She may not get what she wants, but when she asks for what she wants with power, positivity and authenticity she handles the outcome like a champ.  It is beautiful.

So, my 3-year-old rocks at this, while quite frankly, I kinda suck.

Until now.

I went to California on New Year’s Day to be with my folks as my dad had an unexpected medical crisis.  Through his hospitalization, I found some of my long-lost power.

It was a week of advocacy, making shit happen and schooling some doctors who dropped the ball. I did it politely, confidently, and with no mistaking that I meant business.  I told people how I felt and told them what I wanted. I was clear. I was focused.  And, I was full of power. To be quite honest, I was on fire. And then I remembered: when I’m on fire, I’m unstoppable.

Now that the power has eked back in, I don’t intend on losing it again.  I have squished dreams, poo-pooed ideas and generally let life happen to me instead of living expansively.

I’ve got a secret. I’ve got a big dream I’m working on and while I’m not quite ready to unveil what it is, I assure you it is years and years in the making.  Years of shutting down ideas. Years of hiding. Years of compartmentalizing. Years of denying my dreams. Years of feeling small and unimportant.  Years feeling trapped.  Years, years, years. I’m 40 and I’m not letting another year go burying ideas.  

I’m a big fan of the blog Tea & Cookies (and her book The Butcher and the Vegetarian).  Through her blog I learned about Mondo Beyondo an online course that I’ll be starting this week.  I am excited about an intentional practice of believing my dreams and the possibility it might create.  I have big dreams for 2011.  Dreams that have paralyzed me at times the past few months. But it is time to keep my power and make my dreams a reality.

Who has big dreams for 2011?

(By the way, if you know, or think you know, the big secret dream, please remember it is still a secret!  Email me directly if you are dying to talk about it in specifics…otherwise, comment away!)


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23 Responses to Positive Power: Kicking and Dreaming

  1. Traveling Mommy says:

    I am Meg’s Mom and believe me she was full of power in CA. She got answers, got tests ordered, and has doctors calling her with info on her Dad. She was a total powerhouse in action. When she was growing up, we sometimes thought, “Man, she is a strong individual!” We can’t begin to tell you how thankful we are for her being such a “bulldog” for her Dad and for me! She is one incredible person and she and Jen are raising the Babylady, our adorable granddaughter, to be a strong woman! Women must be strong! I feel strong considering I was raised in the 50′s and 60′s, but nothing compared to Meg!

  2. Traveling Mommy says:

    By the way, Meg, whatever you do Dad and I are behind you a thousand per cent!!!

  3. Traveling Dad says:

    Meg you are my wonder woman, my patient advocate pit bull. You WILL have success in what ever you do. We will be there to support you just as you have supported us.

    You and Ladyfriend are doing an outstanding job with babylady.
    Keep up the great work.

  4. Jennifer says:

    Reading this post gave me goosebumps, then a case of relentless smiling set in! Then I read Traveling Mommy and Traveling Dad replies (love those peeps!) and now I’m crying. You ARE a wonder woman. You ARE a power house. I am over the moon with joy to hear of your emotion investment in yourself, your dreams and all of the rich and textured possibility that is YOU. You are remarkable…and quite frankly, a force to be reckoned with. I admire you immensely for so many things, but this post…this honest, authentic, vulnerable post. Well, if we would all own our shit and be as authentic as you are here, the world would be a beautiful, safe place. Here’s to you Wonder Woman. Let it be heard through all the land, Meg is back.

  5. diane says:

    Meg,
    You are a powerful and inspiring woman. I look forward to knowing about the dream that you’re reaching for — and I have complete confidence in you – you can do it! You’ve been an inspiration to me since we met in 1992… It might have been that you had your own deviled egg tray (what college student just happens to have one of those, right?) but it might have been that you showed up for practice every day with more determination than the rest of us knew how to muster. I know you’ll achieve this next dream – and that you are a rockin’ example of a strong woman for the babylady.

  6. Mom & Dad- Thanks, I love you!
    Dr. Jabson- Thanks! you & your lady have been so helpful in the process all along and it was fantastic to debrief it with you!
    Dr. Loeffler- Thanks! Deviled egg tray! I had forgotten about that! I sure miss the wrenching practices!

    And, I love calling you, my sweet friends, Dr! You both rock and are so inspirational!

  7. Memaw Elise says:

    Meg, I, too, had goosebumps and tears reading your latest post. I have long admired your determination and effectiveness in getting things done. This past week was a wonderful example of your power. I feel blessed to know you and call you my daughter-in-law and Mimi to our wonderful Babylady. I learn from your family everytime we come up to visit.
    I am excited to learn about your new adventure and to support you in any way I can.
    I love you, Memaw E

    • Thanks Elise! I so appreciate you and Jim!

      • Poppy Jim says:

        Ladyfriend, Mimi, Meg: Wow! My ladyfriend-in-law is showing her true colors and how beautiful those colors are. Of course, I have seen those colors before, in your patient, supportive, and loving partnership with Ladyfriend; in your amazing role as Mimi to Babylady, and now, though sadly, in your take no prisoners advocacy for your Dad and support for your Mom. You are love in action even though you are perhaps unable to appreciate it yourself. I am delighted and inspired by your bringing your power to your own consciousness.
        Poppy Jim

      • Gosh, thanks so much Jim. That was sweet. Thanks for all our help through this all too!

  8. Once you say your dream out loud, it becomes a goal.

  9. Iron McKroll says:

    I often feel like you are leading me out (to use a cycling term) into marriage and parenthood. I learn lots from you all the time and appreciate you sharing your journey. I’m looking forward to seeing your dreams become reality!

    “When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid” Audre Lorde

  10. Julia says:

    All these comments are making me cry with joy at how people can help each other be stronger with their love. Great post, Meg! Full steam ahead with your dreams. I’m right behind you!

  11. Thanks Teri and so true!
    Megan- you are sweet and I love that quote! And, dying to see Ronan walking!
    Julia- Thanks! I definitely have some great support, family & friends! Reading their words got me all choked up too. =)

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